Tag Archives: depression

The Greatest Love Of All

I’m not sure if many people know what this means. To truly love yourself. Alright, some of you men like to bake or like flowers. I like meaningful songs and music that speaks to me. In honor of breast cancer awareness month and what is happening in our country and world, I thought I would write about what this song means to me, “Greatest Love Of All.”

You can be free from feeling guilt, shame, self-doubt and fear! If you want to know how, contact me! I believe this is the most powerful song ever written. The message is clear. If you live in self-love, it is the “Greatest Love of All.” If you are not sure about this concept; to be frank, you’re Emotional IQ is low. It starts with having this awareness and developing your Emotional IQ. Here is a very good article to help you understand Emotional IQ: https://hbr.org/2014/12/signs-that-you-lack-emotional-intelligence. I can also help you raise your Emotional IQ.

When you are there (self-love), you are free from shame and fear. People who are not living in shame and fear live where we think, feel, and behave in a state of presence. We respond to what is around us and not to any previous “programming.” Living in self-love allows you to have the capacity for intimacy. When in our self-love (not fear!) we are able to see people as they are, rather than what we project onto them. We ask for information rather than stay scared and rather than make assumptions. We are able to take the best from the past and using it appropriately in the present. If the majority of the population lived out of self-love, I feel the world would be a different place. Self-love conquers all!

If you are a parent:

Yes, parenting is the most difficult job in the world but with some awareness, self-love is the most powerful gift/principle we can teach and model to our kids. It begins with YOU though! I am not talking about the “Self-Esteem” movement here (filling your child’s mind with so much praise they lack responsibility and have a huge ego). Modeling self-love and building their Emotional IQ will make them far more successful than anything!

“Greatest Love of All” was written by Michael Masser & the late Linda Creed, who wrote the song during her struggle with breast cancer. The words describe her feelings about coping with great challenges that one must face in life, being strong during those challenges whether you succeed or fail, and passing that strength on to children to carry with them into their adult lives.

The song was originally recorded in 1977 by George Benson for the Muhammad Ali biopic “The Greatest.” Whitney Houston recorded the song for her 1985 self-titled debut album.

I believe the children are our future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody’s searching for a hero

People need someone to look up to

I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs

A lonely place to be

And so I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows

If I fail, if I succeed

At least I’ll live as I believe

No matter what they take from me

They can’t take away my dignity

Because the greatest love of all

Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all

Inside of me

The greatest love of all

Is easy to achieve

Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future

Teach them well and let them lead the way

Show them all the beauty they possess inside

Give them a sense of pride to make it easier

Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

And if, by chance, that special place

That you’ve been dreaming of

Leads you to a lonely place

Find your strength in love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYzlVDlE72w

 

Beware Of This Real Life Drama!

Beware of the “Drama Triangle!” It’s alive and present. It sucks the energy out of you and is very convincing, manipulative and controlling. The Drama Triangle is a model of dysfunctional social interaction, created by Psychotherapist Stephen Karpman. This “Drama Triangle” I am referring to is orchestrated by someone who is in an unhealthy emotional state. They operate in the Drama Triangle bouncing from one unhealthy emotional state to another. There are three unhealthy emotional states that make up the Drama Triangle. The Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. It’s easy to get sucked in. With awareness, healthy communication and boundary setting, you can avoid getting caught in the Drama Triangle and not participate. The person who operates out of the Drama Triangle will see you as the “Bad Guy” but you are actually the “Healthy Bad Guy.” They create misery for themselves and others even though they are not aware of their behavior. See the diagram below.

Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle is a type of “Game” that people play. The purpose of a Game is to obtain strokes-attention, power, love etc. In a Game, the series of transactions does not result in healthy positive strokes but rather in negative strokes. At any given time, the person can switch roles going from one unhealthy emotional state to the next.

When acting as the Persecutor, the person victimizes other people in order to feel more powerful and better about themselves. They are good at finding fault. The Persecutor can attack aggressively or passive-aggressively. The Persecutor is often an angry resentful person who vents his or her feelings on other people. The Persecutor is critical and was previously a victim. There is a difference between truly being victimized and playing the “Victim.”

When acting as the Victim, the person blames others for their condition, actions, or feelings. Victims in the Drama Triangle manipulate others into feeling sorry for them, or into feeling guilty. They look for someone to rescue them. When acting as the Victim, they believe that they do not have any power over their own lives. The Victim is a person who does not help himself and seeks sympathy and has the “poor me” attitude acting as a “wounded child.”

When acting as the Rescuer, the person looks like the “good guy” who helps others solve their problems. They jump in to fix the situation when someone is struggling. In this state, Rescuers focus on others instead of on themselves, and avoid their own feelings, needs and problems. They make themselves needed so that they will not be abandoned. Rescuers do not allow others to make their own mistakes, deal with the consequences, or feel their own pain. Rescuers often slip into the “Victim” role when their rescuing does not get them what they want. They are usually angry underneath.

The “Healthy Bad Guy” role is the only way out of the Drama Triangle. She or he looks like the bad guy to those in the triangle but is really the healthy guy. She or he is operating in a healthy emotional state. This person takes responsibility for his or her own actions and choices, both healthy and unhealthy and accepts the consequences. The Healthy Bad Guy focuses on himself, and supports others without trying to “fix” or solve their problems. She or he has healthy boundaries and is honest with themself and others about their thoughts and feelings. They own their feelings and use “I” statements when communicating. When the Healthy Bad Guy tries to get out of the triangle, the person in the triangle will escalate their behavior to try to keep the Bad Guy in the triangle. It can be lonely and scary being the Healthy Bad Guy until newer healthier relationships emerge. The Healthy Bad Guy uses judgement about when it is safe to be assertive and when it is best to take care of himself by being quiet. The Healthy Bad Guy does not play games in order to manipulate getting strokes but is authentic in his or her feelings, words, and actions.

I’m guessing we all have someone in our life that operates in the Drama Triangle. It’s difficult to deal with and sometimes may seem like a losing battle so the easy thing to do is “give in” and join them. Sometimes, it’s learned and we are unaware we are even participating. It’s definitely not the healthy thing to do. As a consequence, your stress level, your emotions, your other relationships, your time, and even your health can be affected. The majority of individuals I help in my counseling and life coaching practice identify someone in their life that operates in the Drama Triangle. Once the individual is feeling confident and their self-acceptance increases it’s easier to set boundaries and be assertive with the person in the Drama Triangle. The Healthy Bad Guy is more aware of those who are unhealthy emotionally.  They make him or herself a priority in their life and is able to let go of the outcome/reaction of the unhealthy individual by not getting sucked into the Drama Triangle.

Anxiety Affects Our Whole Being, But It Doesn’t Have To!

Time flies!  I have been busy working on other projects related to my passion of helping those suffering from anxiety. Anxiety can be so debilitating it can definitely affect our whole being. I specialize in anxiety because I have been through it and understand how debilitating it can be on every level. I nicknamed my website and coined the phrase “Just Be Mentally Free” for a reason. “Just Be” to me means living in the present, seizing the moment (Carpe Diem). “Mentally Free” means having a mind that is free from anything that can keep us from being “Just Be.” Hence, “Just Be Mentally Free.” If we can achieve this, to me, we are living in the moment, out of pure love, joy, our mind and body are one, we are in total peace. This is my goal for all of my clients especially those suffering from anxiety.

For those suffering from anxiety it’s nearly impossible to “Just Be” in the present. It takes a real conscious effort. The tragedy here is that TIME flies by when we cannot enjoy the moment, the right here, right now. When we are constantly thinking ahead, or dwelling on the past we lose time, the present time. You cannot get time back! I personally feel that time expands and slows down when we can let go of everything that distracts us. I am in this place and can get anyone here too!

As I stated earlier, I specialize in anxiety and I am on a mission to help those suffering from anxiety. So, please join me on April 16th, at 8:30pm for a live webinar about Anxiety and how you or someone you love can overcome this condition. You can visit my website http://www.justbementallyfree.com and sign up at “Get Anxiety Webinar Access Here”  tab or simply click here to sign up and get free access.

If you are not suffering from anxiety please forward this to anyone you know who is. It will change their life!

Anxiety Shuts Down Our Thinking

Have you ever wondered why you cannot make a decision when you’re feeling anxious or you feel like you cannot remember a word or think clearly when you are experiencing anxiety? Anxiety literally shuts down our higher order thinking and makes learning very difficult. There is a scientific reason for this and an explanation why you cannot make a decision when you are feeling fear and anxiety.

The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped clump of neurons deep in the center of our brain. It’s the integrative center for emotions, emotional behavior and motivation. Research has shown that it plays a primary role in the processing of memory, decision-making, and emotional reactions. It’s the filter that leads to the prefrontal cortex. The prefontal cortexbrain-40356_640 is where all of our executive functions take place. The prefrontal cortex resides at the front of the brain and acts as an “executive” for the decision making process, weaving past events to present experiences in order to make the best choices. If the filter (amygdala) is “clogged” with anxiety and fears, our executive functioning (prefrontal cortex) is shut down making it nearly impossible to make decisions, remember information or process new information.

Researchers from the Hawn Foundation have found that, “When we are calm and peaceful the filter [amygdala: an information filter regulated by our emotional state] is wide open and information flows to the prefrontal cortex, where the brain’s so-called executive functions take place. On the other hand when we are feeling negative and stressed out, these executive functions, which provide cognitive control, are inhibited. Indeed information stays in the amygdala; it doesn’t flow into the prefrontal cortex for executive processing. Instead it’s processed right on the spot as fight, flight or freeze. In this way, fear and anxiety effectively shut down higher-order thinking (Scholastic 9).” The MindUp Curriculum. [brain-focused Strategies for Learning-and Living]. New York, NY: Scholastic, 2011. Print.

Remember, you’re not stupid, incompetent or incapable of learning! Anxiety can be very brainstorming-413156_640debilitating and can shut us down not only emotionally, but intellectually as well. However, you do not have to live a life being controlled by anxiety. You can overcome this condition and even live an anxiety free life. There is hope. I am proof you can be in control of this condition and live a life of peace that you deserve!

Sign up for my “Be Free From Anxiety” Webinar on April 16th at 8pm EST and learn valuable information about anxiety and how to begin to live a life free from Anxiety and Panic Attacks.

The First Step In Overcoming Anxiety and Panic Attacks-A Traditional Approach

I combine traditional and non-traditional techniques when I work with clients. This traditional technique is absolutely necessary and happens to be the first step in overcoming anxiety and Panic Attacks. If you or someone you know is suffering from anxiety, this is a very difficult concept and and can be perceived as very risky.

The first step in overcoming anxiety is to Allow Yourself To Feel It. Allowing yourself to feel the anxiety and panic attack will lessen the intensity. If you can train your mind to allow yourself to feel it and experience it, over time, it will become less intense and less scary. This is difficult to do for many reasons. It comes down to fear. Fear, fear, fear. You don’t need to live in fear anymore!

A major characteristic of those with anxiety is the need to be in control. The thought of allowing yourself to feel it is beyond their comprehension especially if the anxiety and panic is so bad it’s ruling their world. When you try to control and contain the anxiety, just the opposite happens. It’s like trying to control this wild caged animal inside of you. It has to get out but the thought of letting it out for the anxiety sufferer is terrifying. So, the opposite happens when you try to control it. The feelings of anxiety intensify inside your body and take total control. This leads to obsessive thinking which can elicit a panic attack. When you try to lock it inside and control it, you are feeding it and giving it more power and fuel to last for a longer time. This is a vicious cycle. The anxiety sufferer must do the opposite. It takes a lot of practice and self-awareness. When the feelings of anxiety present themselves, instead of trying to control it and locking it in, you must immediately give yourself permission to experience it. By giving yourself permission, you are setting yourself up to manage the anxiety and take away it’s power. Making a simple statement like, “I am allowing myself to feel this and I am giving my body permission to have this feeling” is the first step. Next, take a deep breath, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Over time, this will be an automatic response and although you may feel the anxiety, it will be less and less intense. Ultimately, giving you power and control. So, bring it on and invite it to take over when you begin to feel it. Think of it as a game. Opening yourself up and allowing your body to feel it drains the power, and ultimately you win!

If you or your loved one is having difficulty with this first step, you will benefit by learning my non-traditional approach. I guarantee results! Contact me today for a free consult or to schedule an appointment!

Let Go Of The Things Out Of Your Control!

A common characteristic of someone suffering from anxiety is the need to be “in control.” If you are suffering from anxiety, someone has probably told you, “Let go of things out of your control.” What exactly does this mean and why is it difficult to do this? What is it that someone suffering from anxiety is trying to “control?”

To sum it up, pretty much everything, i.e. their feelings, their relationships, others’ reactions, their environment and the list goes on. This is an exhausting way to live and a major reason anxiety is so debilitating. For those suffering from anxiety, the idea that the only thing we can control is our self is difficult to understand. What is really controlling them is fear. Fear has such stranglehold that it controls every aspect of their life. As a result, fear is the force behind the issue of control.

A simple traditional technique (Cognitive Restructuring) to help someone suffering from anxiety is to use self-dialogue. It starts with asking themselves a simple question. “Is this within my control?” Most of the time, the answer is no. The next step is to consciously make a statement to themselves saying, “When the time comes I will deal with the______.” The last step is to say, “At this very moment. I am choosing to let go of the this _______ because there is nothing I can do about it.” With practice, over time, it should be easier to manage the obsessive thinking about being “in control” of everything and let go. The goal is to be in the present moment. This technique takes time and discipline. In order for this technique to work, the individual must commit to taking the time to process their thoughts.

However, there is one caveat. This traditional technique may be difficult because underlying fears have taken over. In order to operate without fear, some work has to be done. I believe there is a root cause of fear and once these root causes are discovered, they can be resolved. The underlying root cause is toxic and causes inner turmoil. The result is feeling peaceful inside. So, with resolution, it’s easier to be in the present and to “let go of the things that are out of your control.”

My goal is for everyone to “Just Be Mentally Free” and live a life of peace that you deserve. “Just Be” means living in the present, seizing the moment (Carpe Diem). “Mentally Free” means having a mind that is free from anything that can keep us from being “Just Be.” Hence, “Just Be Mentally Free.” If we can achieve this, we are living in the moment out of pure love and joy. Our mind and body are one. We are in total peace. When we’re not mentally free, we perform below our true potential and fear keeps us from where we can or want to be.

 

 

 

©COPYRIGHT 2015 PAUL CARTONE, LMHC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

“Just Be Mentally Free” Minute For Anxiety

TGIM!

Mondays are great. For most, it’s the beginning of the work week. For myself, it’s the beginning of a new week to help as many people as I can. Monday is a “clean slate.” A time to focus on the present and move forward with new goals. For those suffering with anxiety, Monday is just another day and signifies the beginning of a long hard week, anticipating Friday and getting back to a place of comfort and security on Saturday. That’s a sad way to live. They have the mind-set that anxiety and panic is a disease that will plague them the rest of their life.

I have good news and bad news! The bad news is, anxiety can be debilitating and certainly control your life. The good news is, anxiety is a condition that has developed over time. It’s a condition that you can overcome! It’s not a disease. There is a reason why you have anxiety and possible panic attacks. With a little work on shifting your mind set, resolving, and living out of love instead of fear; you can overcome this condition in less time than it took to develop it!

You are not going crazy. My system works and can get you out of the viscous cycle you’re in.

Contact me today so you can begin to live your life of peace and “Just Be Mentally Free!”